Thursday, 16 March 2017

Just Focus on Gratitude and Happy!

Dear God I can't do this anymore quote image

My doctor appointment did NOT go well yesterday.

My depression and anxiety have taken me to some VERY ugly places for over the last two weeks straight. Irritation, anger, irrational, uncontrollable crying, sleeping during the day, my eating has been either too much or too little. It was NOT my normal zombie-ish life. And I would give anything to go back to that way, over THIS. This is no way to live.

I didn't just want to jump in for my first blog post here. I had so many thoughts and ideas. I thought that I should at least start with some back info, etc. But after yesterday I am left sitting lost and confused. My brain seems to be rapid firing feelings and emotions between "I am hopeful. I can turn this around!" and "What happened? She (the Dr) used to be so good and understanding with me and now I am told to just focus on gratitude and happy and go back to work. There's nothing wrong in your bloodwork, so there is no reason for you not to go back." Which leaves me hopeless, misunderstood, and just wanting to give up. Part of me is raging with "Why even take the anti-depressants then?!" and "Why even go back to the Dr again on Tuesday if she isn't actually helping?!" 

As I said, I just feel lost and all over the place. I want to pull out the self-help books that were recommended to me (by the Dr!) which have now been banished (by the Dr) until further notice. I just want to feel "normal". I want to fix this. 

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I am emotional and confused. I am so thankful that I go back to the therapist on Tuesday. Hopefully, she can help me sort out at least some of this insanity that I am feeling. But then again I will have forced myself through 2 shifts at work by then...maybe the fake it till you make it will have stuck...but I doubt it.

So for now, I will go. I will force myself to get started doing #yogarevolution, with my essential oils going, in my ensuite bath (it's peaceful, big enough, and has a lockable door so I can just be alone to get zen), continue my 30 mins of treadmill time a day, and focus on feeding my body well and just being forcedly fluffy and happy. Is there a meditation app for that?

If you have any thoughts, comments, helpful ideas, ANYTHING..input is always appreciated!